At Princess Diana's Centre

DID you know that the human brain is designed to “plan a move from scratch each and every time”?

It seems that we are not lab rats. And it is by thinking anew and not by routine that we kick a football, swing a golf club or write the Daily Mail, the paper in which this story appears.

As the paper says: “This means that, unlike a computer, people cannot just automatically repeat what has gone before.”

For instance, could a computer create the Mail? No, it could not. Each story of imminent doom and horror is addressed on its individual merits.

And so it is that the Express is designed each day from fresh. It is down not to planning that Princess Diana features so prominently, it is down to the truth that she is big news.
And here is Diana taking to people at a Centrepoint hostel in London. Diana is blonde and fair of skin. Her audience is continued

Jennifer Lopez Is Growing

JENNIER Lopez’s backside sees all. Jennifer Lopez’s backside knows all. Jennifer Lopez’s backside is all. Jennifer Lopez’s backside is the barometer of the times in which we live. Look on, dear reader, as it grows, ebbing and flowing with life’s vicissitudes. “You’ve never had it do good, America,” says Jennifer’s backside as the surplus bulges over the top of her jeans. “Lean times ahead,” says Jennifer Lopez’s backside at it retreats back inside her trousers, a shadow... continued

Tom Cruise Shoots Victoria Beckham

VICTORIA Beckham “opens with the pure fresh notes of bergamot and rose petals”. In the face of much evidence to the contrary, Her Poshness can hit top notes, middle notes and low notes of “sensual orange blossom" leading to "a seductive base of voluptuous vanilla, rich sandalwood and an elegant layer of musk”. Can the same be said of Pavarotti or Emma Bunton? If only Victoria sang as she smelled, she would be a cornucopia of musical nourishment, her range extending beyond the shelves of chemists and department stores - where her perfume Intimately Her is on sale - and wafting on a gossamer web of sensual delights to the Royal Opera House. Those who want to smell like Victoria's intimate parts can buy her perfume. Just as they can buy the scent produced by her husband David Beckham. The unmistakably "intense freshness and sparkle of bergamot, tangy grapefruit zest and zingy cardomom” giving way to “a virile... continues

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Robbie Williams - I Wanna Be Gary Barlow

ROBBIE Williams looks wide eyed. He also looks: "Depressed, loveless and without ambition." His is a "tortured soul". So says the Express.Before we go on to peer inside the Williams head, to analyse this and that, we note that this interview with the singer first appeared in the Big Issue, the magazine that enables "homeless people to earn a legal income through opportunities to help themselves". Good that the Express should quote its sources. And so very, very good that its source should be the magazine that gives hope to the homeless, especially at this...

Read more the Anorak

Vote Girls Aloud

POLITICS and pop music are rarely in harmony. If it’s not light bulb-headed Neil Kinnock popping up in Tracey Ullman’a video, it’s LibDem leader Menzies Campbell and Gordon Brown competing to be the Arctic Monkeys uberfan. As the song says Things Can Only Get Better. At least when popstars get into politics they look good. And, as the Mirror reports, Girls Aloud, the reality TV pop .... Read more on the award winning Anorak

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Move On

BRAD Pitt and Angelina Jolie are looking at something on the ground on Hello!’s Cover page. The couple, along with their three children, are sat on a patch of green.

All eyes are pointed down. What are they looking at? Brad and Angelina are, unlike their children, wearing sunglasses. Is this something so very bright? A huge diamond? A full set of Hollywood teeth?

Brad wears a strip of cloth wrapped around his head, like Rambo. We wonder if he is surveying a map, looking to invade and rescue somebody from some Asian hellhole? And then it dawns on us. Are they are looking at a colour chart for their home?

Do the Jolie-Pitts go with tones reminiscent of daughter Zahara’s African roots, red, gold and green? Or what about black, in keeping with Maddox’s Cambodian origins? Or something in ginger, nay strawberry blonde, for Shiloh Nouvel (may her name forever... Read on on Anorak

Sienna Miller - Looking or Love

PROFESSIONAL girlfriend Sienna Miller looks thoughtful.

Many of you will be unaware that Jude Law’s ex is also an actress. Chances are that just as she can do thinking, she can turn her face to laughing, frowning and wondering.

For now, it is thoughtful. And with her face perched on the back of her hand Sienna prepares to tell the Mirror what is on her mind.

“I’ve learned not to rush things, to take things slowly and to follow my instincts,” says Sienna.

Sienna is speaking of her career as a girlfriend, which really took off when she followed up a fling with James Bond actor Daniel Craig to become Jude Law’s fulltime girlfriend, a role Sienna seems to have gained something from.

She says that she loves someone who makes her laugh. She says “friendship and laughter and trust” are the most important things in a relationship.

Perhaps it was the lack of one of these pillars of true love that caused she and Jude to split? We know of his dalliance with Daisy Wright, his children’s nanny.

Not that the Jude performance has put her off. He has just more finely tuned her girlfriend abilities.

Says Sienna: “I’ve always been a kind for relationship girl. I’m not sure why. It’s nice to be young and single as well but I’m more a relationship person. I like the company.” Ah, the actor and their company.

So Sienna is looking for her next move. The Mirror omits to mention any names. So we have taken the liberty of compiling a list to aid Sienna in her next career move.

And we begin with A. A is for Leonardo Di Caprio, Matt Damon, George Clooney...

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Princess Diana Reveals All

“OFFICIAL DIANA REPORT SHOCK,” advertises the Mirror’s front page. “BUGGED on night she died.”

The result of the Scotland Yard inquiry into the apparent death of Diana has found “NO murder, NO cover up and NO conspiracy”.

Or course, many expected this, it serving to further their own beliefs that Diana was murdered by a middle-aged woman who smelled of wet horse and tampon. Or the butler.

All is nonsense. This much we now know for certain.

So we can move on. Diana can be allowed to rest in peace, or live out her days on the fabled Sixth Floor of London’s Harvey Nichols department store.

But first let us learn more of that bugging operation. And it’s reached the attention of the Express, for whom conspiracy appears as truth.

“The US spy dossier on Diana’s last movements,” says the headline. Readers learn that Henri Paul, Diana’s driver on the day of that accident, was in the employ of the French secret service.

And, what is more, American agents were listening into Diana’s telephone conversations as she stayed at Paris’s Ritz Hotel.

But why? What could they have hoped to learn from the woman? A call to room service for laxatives? A pet name for Dodi Fayed, her then boyfriend, something like Squidy? Her rendition of Duran Duran’s seminal hit Girls On Film?

Whatever the dossier contains the belief is that the Express, with the assistance of Mohamed Al Fayed, will not rest until each of its “hundreds” of pages comp has been studied.

The truth is out, but questions remain. What will the Express do now Diana is officially dead? Can you take two bottles into the shower?

And was it all just a cry for help?


Read more on the original Ezine - Anorak

Pricncess Diana Sparkles

"DIANA," announces the Express's front page in familiar fashion.

"Police tried to make me change my evidence says key witness."

And not just a key witness, but a "cricial witness", as the paper goes on to say.

But what kind of witness makes a crucial witness? Is this someone who saw Diana perish in that mundane car accident? Has the Express scored a scoop, unearthing the driver of that battered white Fiat Uno spotted in the vacinity of Paris's Alma Tunnel on the night Diana died?

This witness is Alberto Repossi, a jeweller in Monte Carlo. This is, of course, the Repossi who helped Diana and Dodi Fayed pick out a £230,000 emerald and diamond band. Called Dis-Moi Oiu (Tell Me Yes) the ring has yet to feature in any Diana Love Collection produced by the Franklin Mint or Argos, but it can only be a matter of time before this oversight is seen to.

Says Repossi (rings, necklaces and more): "I have for a long time followed closely the Daily Express's crusade for the truth and I strongly support any attempt to determine exactly what caused this terrible tragedy."

Thus far the cause of Diana's death has been traced back to the moment of her birth and beyond. Each factor of Diana's life - each waking and sleeping moment - forms a cobble in the path that led to her death.

Diana is born. Diana is conceived. Diana's mother makes eyes at her father. The dinosaurs walk the Earth. And so on. All is part of the pattern.

So here is Repossi, a ring-seller, a shiny cobble in Diana's life, telling us: "My real concern is that attempts were certainly made to get me to change what I knew to be the truh."

He continues: "After reading your coverage, and my experiences and those of my wife with the inquiry team, I feel I can no longer trust the authorities to speak the truth."

And the truth is? Why, that Diana and Dodi visited Mr Repossi's jewellers in Monte Carlo (check press for opening times) and picked out the kind of ring that were it not on the hand of a rich socialite would happily pass for a brass's knuckleduster.

Of course, there must be more to this story. And we realise that diamonds, such as those found in Mr Repossi's ring, are generally very old, ranging from under 1 billion to 3.3 billion years old.

And so it the story of what led to Diana's death goes on...

Read Anorak the web's original ezine on www.anorak.co.uk

Pricne Andrew Teas Up Courtney Love

“THE Duke of York is blissfully ignorant that his affair will outrage the Queen.”

So said a senior coutier in 2002 when stories abounded that Prince Andrew was having a passionate affair with a high-class prostitute and socialite.

The truth of the matter was never proven one way or the other. And while many recelled Randy Andy, the royal lothario who’d dated Koo Sterk(ers) and glamour mo-del Vicky Hodge, others pointed to there being litle room for romance among Andrew’s role as the House of Windsor’s roving golf ambassador....

Read more about Randy Andy's Love on www.anorak.co.uk

Britney Spears and Kate Moss Pelt It

“BRITNEY Spears, Victoria Beckham and Kate Moss all looking pretty shaggy in fur costs,” says the Sun, “but two are faking it.”

Looking at the paper’s pictures of the three, it is hard to tell which coat is made from flayed and stitched animal pelt and which is not.

Read which celebrity is causing a fur-ore at www.anorak.co.uk

Spice Girl - Red Alert

IT’S been a while since Geri Halliwell delivered “baby Bluebell” to an appreciative world.

And what looked like bad timing back then - the birth of Geri’s first child coincided with the messianic arrival of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt – now seems like providence.

Bluebell is the slow burner, the proverbial tortoise in the race; Shiloh is the impatient-to-be-noticed hare. Or hair. It is our duty to report that Bluebell is a ginger.

Read more about the horror of the ginger celebrity baby on Anorak

Kevin Federline Dies For Britney Spears

ON the day the British press produce pictures of Britney stepping out with oil heir Brandon Davies, the Enquirer hears Kevin Federline beg: “TAKE ME BACK!”

And that’s not take him back to his black rap roots, but take him back to the bosom of Britney’s love. K-Ferret has learned his lesson and wants to give his marriage to multi-millionairess Britney another go. But perhaps because the feelings are too raw or, being a man’s man he is not ready to emote, K-Ferret tells us nothing.

And beneath that aforesaid front-page headline, the Enquirer adds the qualifier: “– say pals”. The magazine says K-Ferret is “nearly broke”. And like his bank balance, so too his heart. A source says Kevin is hoping to meet Britney for a “heart-to-heart” talk.

Sure, the singing ferret says he is delighted to be rid of Britney in public, so the Enquirer says. But, sources say this is just bravado. Says the source: Kevin’s nearly out of money, his CD is tanking, and his tour dates are getting cancelled. They can’t give away the tickets.”

We learn: “He is ready to go down on one knee and beg if that’s what it takes to get her back.” Meanwhile Britney is said to be “incredibly upset” and “inconsolable” at being asked to appear on stage at the American Music Awards after a sketch in which a Kevin look-alike (or was it?) was nailed into a wooden box and thrown into the ocean.

Did he sink or swim? And will anyone step in to save a drowning man..?

Alexander Litvinenko - London Glows In The Dark

THE good news is that the radiation found onboard three British Airways jets means frequent flyers no longer need an overhead light to read by. They can just point their luminous finger at the page and go.... Read more on Anorak