Tom Crusie - That's Magic!

“INSIDE the magical wedding of TOM and KATIE.” A week on from the joint magical Stag and Hen do, the magical vows and the magical floating Tom, Hello! invites us to marvel at the magical splendour of the entire Cruise-Holmes wedding. “Your exclusive invitation to the wedding of the year,” says the page that begins Hello!’s 34-page album. “Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise. Intimate portraits and memoirs of their special celebrations.” “Tom and Katie’s nuptials were magical in every way,” notes Hello!. And surely they were. Alakazim! The invitation arrives, wrapped in silk ribbon and placed in a raw-silk box of ... read more on Anorak

Heather Mills McCartney's Secret File

“ALL I want for Christmas is access to the marital home,” writes Heather Mills in her open letter to Santa Claus.

Christmas is coming and Heather, like so many of us, has been compiling a list of demands to send the old man.

Only the Express says this is no missive to Santa Claus but a page of requests aimed at an old man closer to Heather’s heart and home.

On a night out in London, the paper sees Heather dining at a vegetarian restaurant. It peers over her shoulder and makes out the words written.... Read more at Anorak

I'm A Celebrity...Get My T*ts Out Of Here!

“COCAINE BRIBES & SEX”

The front page of the Star promises much. Where other papers just have news and the odd Page 3 stunna, the Star offers the full multi-sensory experience.

Inside the paper, what promised so much is distilled into a picture of I’m A Celebrity... evictee Phina Oruche wearing a blue bikini and jumping into the air.

That’s the sex. What of the cocaine? “I think they were handing out cocaine to some of the stars, because all of a sudden people were laughing and running around doing head-stands,” says Phina. “Being a moral Christian I wouldn’t touch it. I don’t know what the others did, though.”

That’s moral Christians for you. (Perhaps this deep spirituality is why Phina speaks in tongues, switching between any number of accents in a single sentence.)

The show needs spice. And to solicit the contestants do entertain, Phina tells us that the producers offered them bribes.

“Every night they’d promise us a cookie or a chocolate brownie or a cup of coffee if we spilt the beans. They’d sat, ‘Tell us your carer highlights and we’ll give you a scone’.”

For some of the celebrities on the show getting a scone on I’m A Celebrity would be the standout career highlight.

So much for bribes and drugs. Let’s have another go at the sex. And read the Sun’s tale that Jan ‘Screaming’ Leeming will strip for Playboy if they offered her £250,000.

“My skin is not as taut as it used to be otherwise I would wear a bikini for the shoot,” she tells us.

No need. For a few pence Sun readers can see some tight skin in a bikini. It’s Myleene Klass and there are a further six page of the bikini with Myleene in it spread across the paper’s centre pages.

These are the “HIGH POINTS” of the show. “(That’s both of them...)”

Might it be that Myleene’s assets are the show’s true stars? And the cry will soon go out: “We’re The Celebrities...Get Us Out Of Here!”

For £250,000 ono...

Read the the UK's original ezine - www.anorak.co.uk

Alexander Litvinenko - What's Your Poison

WHEN the TV film of the murder of Alexander Litvinenko comes to be made it will surely be major boon for school science classes.

What secrets the former KGB officer held, why he was murdered and what his killer could hope to gain from his death are stories far less interesting to the press than what killed him.

Last week, we were introduced to thallium. This is a heavy metal and when eaten on a slice of sushi, imbibed in a tincture of green tea or smeared on a rice cracker will cause the Russian diner about town to fall ill.

“Thall-ium,” says the voiceover on TV’s Livinenko: Something Fishy. “Symbol: Tl. Source: from the Greek thallos, meaning "a green shoot or twig". Atomic number: 81. Colour: silvery white: Classification: Metallic. Dangerous: Yes.”

“History: In June 2004, 25 Russian soldiers became ill from thallium exposure when they found a can of mysterious white powder in a rubbish dump added it to tobacco, and used it as a substitute for talcum powder on their feet. Thallium.”

So much for that. And in module 2, the Sun introduces its readers to Plolonium-210, alongside the now familiar picture of Litvinenko lying fatally ill in a hospital.

Readers learn that Polonium-210 is “harmful when ingested into the body by breathing or swallowing it or through a wound”.

Readers might know it by its alernative name Radium F. It is more harmful that crack cocaine and crystal meth.

Anyone approached by a burly man in a thin black leather jacket or a woman wearing heavy blue eyeshadow and a club boot offering white powders and other exotica should politely decline and tell the authorities.

You, along with three others who fear they have been contaminated by Polonium-210, will then be tested for the radioactive toxin.

The Mail says three people thought to have “had contact” with the sushi bar or London hotel Litvinenko visited on the day of his poisoning are being checked.

But we must not panic. Home Secretary John Reid tells us: “If anyone fears on rational grounds for their own safety then I would ask them to get in touch with the authorities.”

Helpfully, the Mail tells readers what to look out for. Symptoms of possible poisoning include: chest pains, headaches, anaemia, vomiting, diarrhoea and shortness of breath.

Of course, it might not be Polonium-210 lying at the root of your condition. It might be a form of barium. Thallium. Or alcohol... Read the Anorak - www.anorak.co.uk

Madonna Supposes

AMONG the advertorials for bunches of silk hankies, of all sizes and patterns, and small boys for sale, the Mirror spots Madonna touting her wares.

Christmas is fast approaching. And Madonna is on TV inducing the great, good and unwashed to buy her things as gifts and keepsakes.

You cannot spend all your money on handkerchiefs, boiled beef and chimney sweeps, and Madonna is extolling the virtues of buying a copy of her latest book. Called The English Roses: Too Good To Be True, Madonna’s timeless homage to growing up tells the edifying story of four good girlfriends fighting over a boy.

Appearing on the Home Shopping Network in America, Madonna says: “I never would have thought about writing children’s books if I didn’t have children.” Continuing the motif, it might be argued that Madonna... Read on www.anorak.co.uk

Borat Must Die Say Gipsies

LOOK out, Sacha Baron Cohen, the Rogarians are coming! In the “Transylvanian gipsies threat to Sacha”, the Sun shines a candle on the villagers of Glod. Struggling to overcome the shock that some Romanians remain in their native locale and are not right now massed at the border gates awaiting their January 1 release when they will invade our gardens, building sites and cashpoints, we read on. And we learn that the village was used to depict Borat’s home town in Kazakhstan. Why Baron Cohen should not use his native Kazakhstan for such purposes or, indeed, a town in East Anglia is a debate for later. That’s if there is a later because the locals are out for blood. “Borat is a son-of-a-bitch who made us look like savages,” says gipsy Gheorgie Pascu. “This is Transylvania, home of Dracula. If he ever returns we will stick a stake in his backside and impale him. Then I would cut his b**s off.” That should teach Borat to portray the locals as a bunch of blood-thirsty loons. And the Sun, which only recently afforded its readers the chance to play hangman with a cut-out of Saddam Hussein, mocks up a picture of what the moustachioed Borat would look like impaled like so much kebab meat. As readers take in that delight, another villager, one ... read on at Anorak

I'm A Celebrity...Get Kerry Katona Out Of There

IT cannot be too long before Kerry Katona’s children start thinking of the giant Iceland squirrel as their new father.

Kerry is currently starring on the nation’s screens on adverts for the frozen food supermarket. Sandwiched around the I’m A Celebrity show she once won, Kerry extols the virtues of ice-cream, wet-look pizza and the “Boozie Brownie”.

We have little idea what Boozie Brownie is. Although we need to point out that it is, in this instance at least, not a pre-teen girl high on alcopops. Intrepid food explorers might care to note that the Boozie Brownie Kerry offers one of her guests on the telly bears more than a passing resemblance to the kangaroo testicle being fed to Jan Leeming on I’m A Celebrity..., albeit one steeped in Bailey’s and deep fried.

It is not little wonder that Kerry is a fan of I’m A...