Britney Spears Tells All

HAPPY New Year, Britney Spears.

Or “BRITNEY FEARS”, as the Mirror’s front page skilfully manipulates her name to.

But the paper’s headline might be little misleading. There is only one fear and it is whether “booze binges” are wrecking Britney’s career.

And this is Britney’s career as what? It seems that an age has passed since Britney dressed as a schoolgirl and asked her baby to hit her one more time.

Back then Women danced, men shifted uncomfortably in their chairs and pre-teenage girls were given hope that an ordinary looking girl could have a boyfriend who hits her and become a star continue

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Britney Spears and Kate Moss Pelt It

“BRITNEY Spears, Victoria Beckham and Kate Moss all looking pretty shaggy in fur costs,” says the Sun, “but two are faking it.”

Looking at the paper’s pictures of the three, it is hard to tell which coat is made from flayed and stitched animal pelt and which is not.

Read which celebrity is causing a fur-ore at www.anorak.co.uk

Kevin Federline Dies For Britney Spears

ON the day the British press produce pictures of Britney stepping out with oil heir Brandon Davies, the Enquirer hears Kevin Federline beg: “TAKE ME BACK!”

And that’s not take him back to his black rap roots, but take him back to the bosom of Britney’s love. K-Ferret has learned his lesson and wants to give his marriage to multi-millionairess Britney another go. But perhaps because the feelings are too raw or, being a man’s man he is not ready to emote, K-Ferret tells us nothing.

And beneath that aforesaid front-page headline, the Enquirer adds the qualifier: “– say pals”. The magazine says K-Ferret is “nearly broke”. And like his bank balance, so too his heart. A source says Kevin is hoping to meet Britney for a “heart-to-heart” talk.

Sure, the singing ferret says he is delighted to be rid of Britney in public, so the Enquirer says. But, sources say this is just bravado. Says the source: Kevin’s nearly out of money, his CD is tanking, and his tour dates are getting cancelled. They can’t give away the tickets.”

We learn: “He is ready to go down on one knee and beg if that’s what it takes to get her back.” Meanwhile Britney is said to be “incredibly upset” and “inconsolable” at being asked to appear on stage at the American Music Awards after a sketch in which a Kevin look-alike (or was it?) was nailed into a wooden box and thrown into the ocean.

Did he sink or swim? And will anyone step in to save a drowning man..?

Tom Cruise, Britney Spears Is into Paris Hilton, Heather Mills & Charles & Camilla's Theme Park...

STANDING before a scene reminiscent of the Creation, the backdrop lit as if by the glowing afterburners of a departing spacecraft, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes stood cheek-to-cheek.

In normal circumstances the couple stand cheek-to-neck, what with Tom being two inches shorter than his 5ft 9in tall bride. But Tom was walking on air. Or was Katie kneeling?

The Express said many “experts” were “baffled” by the picture. Was it a trick of the light, movie magic at work? Was Tom standing next to his flesh and silk bride or the marzipan figurine that sat atop his five-tier wedding cake?

Beam me up, Tommy, we joked. Prepare for (platform) lift off. But the laughter didn’t last long. This was “Cruise’s wedding STUNT”. This vision before us was no more real than Tom and Katie’s matching heights. The Sun said the couple had married the previous week.

Tom’s agent Arnold Robinson told the Star that Tom and Katie had already “officialised” their marriage in Los Angeles. This was all for show. We wanted our wedding gift returned – his ‘n’ hers adult dummies with matching pointed hat and the entire first series of Battlestar Galactica (on authentic VHS). But had we signed a prenuptial agreement to do so?

While we searched for the documentation, we learned of another Hollywood marriage: Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

“Britney puts her kinky sex vid on the web,” threatened the Star’s front-page headline. The move came in light of stories that K-Ferret might sell the tape to the highest bidder, earning himself as much as £120million, a rise on the £26million the Star priced the 45-minute recording at just last week.

At the current rate of inflation, Britney may care to hang onto the tape for a few weeks longer and agree to split the £5billion-plus fortune it will earn with her feckless husband.

Britney should seek advice.

And who better to ask than Paris Hilton, a woman whose home sex movie earned her notoriety, fame and her own Paris Hilton Just Me perfume - sparkling top notes of used hotel laundry with an undertone of adolescent bedroom and tissues.

Naturally, Britney and Paris had hooked up.

But it was not supposed to end like this? It’s all so very unpleasant. Why does anyone bother to get married any more? “Marriage?” asked Heather Mills on the Mirror’s front page. “I’d rather someone chopped off all my limbs.”

Heather had been on TV in America. Appearing on the US show Extra, Heather said: “When you’re vilified for doing nothing but falling in love with an icon – I’d rather have all my limbs cut off. That’s the God’s honest truth.”

She went on: “I’m a good mother. I’m a good person. I fell in love for the right reasons. I fell in love unconditionally.” This was Heather on the offensive, vying to rebuild her “tarnished reputation”. She fell in love for the... read on

Britney Spears' Video Nasty

“BRITNEY puts her kinky sex vid on the web,” promises the Star’s front-page headline.

The move comes in light of stories that Kevin Federline, Britney’s estranged husband, could sell the tape to the highest bidder, earning himself as much as £120million, a rise on the £26million the Star priced the 45-minute recording at just last week.

At the current rate of inflation, Britney may care to hang onto the tape for a few weeks longer and agree to split the £5billion fortune it will earn with the feckless husband.

Britney should seek advice. And who better to ask than Paris Hilton, a woman whose home sex movie earned her notoriety, fame and her own Paris Hilton Just Me perfume - sparkling top notes of used hotel laundry with an undertone of adolescent bedroom and tissues.

The movie of Paris’s bedroom audition – entitled One Night In Paris – has reportedly earned £30million.
David Hans Schmidt, who bought the Hilton sex tape to the greater porn surfing fraternity, says the Spears work could be the biggest thing to come out the porn business since Long Dong met Melody ...read on

Britney Spears & K-Ferret fight dirty; striking it rich in Blighty; Michael Jackson inner waxwork; Mike Tyson for rent; and Tom Cruise's close encount

PSSST! Wanna buy a video. This one’s got the lot – nudity, famous faces, white rap and even a ferret. It’s yours for £26million ono.

On Monday, the story was that the divorce of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline was getting dirty – just how dirty may one day be revealed on the video of K-Ferret and his wife engaging in “sex acts”.

The Star had heard that K-Ferret had been offered £26million for just such a tape. Why the rapping ferret would film his wife cavorting about the place naked when he can see her in the flesh every day or watch one of her sticky-fingered music videos is a moot point.

Perhaps K-Ferret saw a video as his insurance policy, a bartering tool to wield should his marriage fail and his version of Roland Rat’s Rat Rap not make him an international megastar.

Of course if Kevin really wasn’t to make it big, all he need do it head for the Blighty. “COME TO BRITAIN AND GET RICH,” advertised the front page of Tuesday’s Express.

On the face of it, this was no little change of direction for the paper that has been warning of Rogarians at the gates for some time now.

Of course, telling Bulgarians and Romanians that the UK is a land paved in the finest oak-style laminate and gilded in gold-plated Argos jewelry might be a cunning ploy. Build up the expectations and when the immigrant sees the grimy streets and grey complexions, the Rogarian will be on the first lorry back home.

That was the impression. The truth was somewhat different as the Express introduced its reader to a guide that tells Bulgarians how to get rich working here illegally.

While Britishers eagerly await the guide’s English translation, all eyes were gawking at another foreigner in our midst.
There is an entire cottage industry given over to gawping at Michael Jackson’s face. The Mail was ogling the scarring caused by numerous cosmetic operations on his nose”, deep “craters” on either ...read The Week on Anorak

Britney Falls Out

“BRITNEY’S doomed love,” says the Sun.

Britney Spears, for it is she, has filed for divorce from the man known to her as Kevin Federline and as K-Ferret to you, the greater rap music community.

Over eight pictures, readers see Britney and K-Ferret eating burgers, buried in sand, cuddling and pushing a buggy. There’s Britney sat astride her man. There’s Britney rubbing her man’s shorts and sticking her tongue out. There’s Britney looking miserable. There’s Kevin in a vest.

Of course, this is not Britney’s first doomed love. And the Sun recalls the name Jason Alexander, Britney’s husband of 55 hours, and tells us about “A TALE OF TWO WEDDINGS”.

It was the best of dos, it was the worst of dos, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, it was the epoch of hits, it was the age of flops - respectively. It was Britney’s marriage to Jason, it was Britney’s marriage to Kevin.
It was a time of annulment, it was a time to a text message. Yes, as the Mirror reports, Britney dumped husband No. 2 by text.
The Mirror sees Kev talking about his new album. He is being filmed for Canadian TV. His mobile... More on Anorak