Jamie Oliver's Take-Away

ANYONE know what Jamie Oliver’s children eat at their Hampstead school?

And if they do take in packed lunches, how much polenta and halloumi salad you need to buy one stick of KitKat chocolate-coated wafer? And if, indeed, such a playground trade is ever fair on the KitKat owner?

Whatever the rate of exchange at Jamie’s nippers’ school, the Mail tells us that thanks to the cook the take up of KitKats among schoolchildren is on the up.

A survey by the BBC shows that because schools dinners have been so roundly panned by the celebrity cook, school meal take-up has fallen by as much as.... More at Anorak

Anne Hathaway Explains

THERE is more than a hint of Liza Minnelli about Anne Hathaway, the American actress and star of haute predictable fashion movie The Devil Wears Prada.

In the movie Hathaway plays a fashion leper from the region of America known among fashionistas as “The Flyover States”.

Minnelli was nominated for her first Academy Award at age twenty-three for the role of Pookie Adams in The Sterile Cuckoo (1969).

Hathaway is 23 and has as much chance of winning an Oscar for her role in The Devil Wears Prada as she does of marrying William Shakespeare.

But, Like Minnelli, whose heavy kohl-eyed look she shares, Hathaway has a certain simpering charm. And in conversation with Hello!, we can more on Anorak

Wanking For Britain

WHAT did you do in the war?

“Well, son,” says the grandfather as he dandle’s the nipper on his aged knee. “I tuned into Channel 4 news and Sky news. I saw action on both sides, son.”

“I also tuned into the Fantasy Channel and gave and gave again to the cause.”

As the Star reports (“YOUR COUNTRY SEEDS YOU”), “brave” British soldiers are being recruited to alleviate a national sperm crisis.

The story is illustrated with a picture of Lord Kitchener issuing his call to arms from that famous “YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU” First World War recruitment poster.

If that is not enough to get the juices flowing, the Star has pictures of topless Michelle and Emily.

And thanks to the power of the telephone, our squaddies can become still further aroused by dialling a premium rate number and hearing Michelle and Emily say what they do in a typical day. Dreaming of squaddies is bound to feature highly.

Of course, this may not be great news for one and all. In a recent article for the Times, former footballer Tony Cascarino regaled us with news that before a match one seasoned pro would engage in a little tension breaker in the privacy of a toilet cubicle.

On the other hand, there are other sportsmen, notably boxers, who avoid all female involvement until the fight is over.

Where female sportsmen stand or sit on this heated debate is a furrow of sporting endeavour left unploughed.
But why is the soldiers’ sperm needed, you cry? And how will it save... Read on at www.anorak.co.uk

Madonna Family Advice - www.bbdo.co.uk

Tony Blair Remembers

MONDAY and Tony Blair was writing in the Sun. He was issuing an ultimatum: “Pay up or the planet gets it.”

The madman would destroy us all! Tony’s weather machine can do its damndest but surely in killing the planet he kills everyone, not just criminals, Tories and fat people.

“Today the Government will publish the most important report on the future which I have received since becoming Prime Minister,” wrote Tony.

It was more important than John Prescott’s integrated transport policy and Euan’s school report? It was that important. The Sun’s customary tales of celebrities and telly could wait a while.

“The Stern report should be seen across the globe as the final word on why the world must act now to limit the damage we are doing to our planet,” said Tony.

We were getting a Stern warning from some chap who was once an economist at the ambitious World Bank.

As Tony said, Nicolas Stern’s report was the last word on all things environmental. It will go down in history as the report that led to the resuscitation of planet Earth after years of human abuse. And Tony’s name would feature prominently.

The choice was clear: we could either follow Stern’s advice or else ignore it and move on to our certain doom.

Not a single word more would be said on the matter. No more trees would be pulped for reports. No more hot air would be spouted by tree-hugging politicos. No more would we hear stories about how humanity should be given an Asbo for mugging Mother Nature.

Phew! “Ferdrwch chji ddeud ... www.anorak.co.uk

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Kate Moss Invades

“TO me, it’s baffling that someone who helps cause so much pain in Colombia is doing better then ever,” says Francisco Santos, Colombia’s vice president.

Indeed. Before Kate Moss was filmed in a London recording studio chopping lines of what might have been cocaine, Colombia was an innocent place.

Sure, Colombia was the world’s foremost cultivator of coca and coca derivatives, but the farmers and cartels had no more links with the trade in drugs than Wernher Von Braun could be blamed for where his World War 2 rockets came down.

Post-Kate, Colombia is embroiled in the trafficking of drugs. Large swathes of the countryside are under guerrilla influence

Kate has much to answer for. And Santos would like an apology. Says he: “I never once heard her says ‘I’m sorry’, when in Colombia people die every day because of cocaine consumption – that hurts.”

It is hard not to feel Senor Santos’ pain. What hopes have new incentives in agriculture and ten year integrated transport policies against the power of Kate Moss? None, we’d wager.
But Kate is too busy to say sorry. As the... read on at www.anorak.co.uk

Best In Shows

THE National Television Awards, rightly billed in the Mirror as the “telly Oscars”, occupy the Mirror’s front page.

The warning is of a “GLITZ ALERT!” And ready and willing to be bedazzled by the orangey glow we turn the page and note that Noel Edmonds and his Deal or No Deal show have won the award for Most Popular Daytime Programme.

In Oscar terms, this is right up there on the glitz-ometer with the Oscar for best technical lighting in a foreign language drama. And we applaud Noel long and loud into the night.

And we learn that Top Gear has scooped the gong for Most Popular Factual Programme. The show’s presenter Jeremy Clarkson has a few words for Richard Hammond, his co-host. Says Clarkson: “Richard knows we’ve won and he’s absolutely thrilled. Now he’s won he thinks he is Napoleon and can conquer all of Europe.”

In his weakened condition, Hammond may even think he looks good in a sky blue silk negligee. The telly awards are less about who wins what as who wear what, or wears the least.
And the Sun leads with a girl called “Emmerdale’s Roxanne”, who dressed in a sky blue silk negligee would not look out of place more on Anorak