Daily Anorak

Becks Save Anorak

2007-01-13T11:35:00.000Z

David Beckham saves us all; a new musical wave; and Europe dies...EVERY new musical age pushes the boundaries back a little further. And for punk rockers gobbing at their fans, we introduce the popstar vomit. The Mirror raised an umbrella and looked on as Amy Winehouse took to the stage at London’s G.A.Y club. Winehouse was due to sing some of her songs. And having been out with human mushroom

Ugly Betty Meets Minging Brits

2007-01-10T19:16:00.000Z

TOMORROW: THE REAL-LIFE UGLY BETTIES.” The Sun has noticed that with Celebrity Big Brother failing in the ratings it is time to focus on another TV show. So here is Ugly Betty, the Cinderella story of a girl who despite being ugly still gets to live the American dream. With luck and pluck she will rise to the top to the fashion world and earn enough money for some liposuction, a facelift and

Keira Knightley's Skull & Bones

2007-01-09T17:22:00.000Z

KEIRA Knightley is in the sea. More immediately, Ms Knightley is in a bikini of red and white horizontal stripes.The Star has no fewer than five pictures of Keira in her ensemble as she holidays in California. And the conclusion is that she is “so thin”.Keira hardly fills her “itsy-bitsy bikini” notes the Star, inviting its readers to study the actress from the front, sides and rear.An onlooker

Morrissey's Armageddon For Europe

2007-01-09T17:19:00.000Z

HELLO HELSINKI!It’s Manchester’s favourite musical miserabilist Morrissey. And he’s making ready to sing his entry in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest.And Morrissey is certainly capable of creating a song for Europe. Was it not he who sang “Now I know how Joan of Arc felt/ As the flames rose to her roman nose/ And her Walkman started to melt”? Joan of Arc was French, her nose Italian. Such

Britney Spears Tells All

2007-01-06T14:37:00.000Z

HAPPY New Year, Britney Spears.Or “BRITNEY FEARS”, as the Mirror’s front page skilfully manipulates her name to. But the paper’s headline might be little misleading. There is only one fear and it is whether “booze binges” are wrecking Britney’s career.And this is Britney’s career as what? It seems that an age has passed

Jennifer Aniston's Son Comes Out

2007-01-04T19:31:00.000Z

WHEN the film Annie: The Tomorrow Years premiers, Madonna, Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will be in the front row seats.All three know what it is to suffer the agonies of adoption, waiting for some obscenely wealthy individual to pluck the orphans up by her curly ginger roots and whisk her off for a life of showbiz parties and photo opportunities.And joining the gang will be

Angelina Jolie

2007-01-03T16:37:00.000Z

Sienna Miller For Love

2007-01-03T16:35:00.000Z

PROFESSIONAL girlfriend Sienna Miller is in conversation with Hello!. Sienna is in between boyfriends just now, but wants us to know that she is happy being single. Sienna could easily slip on the banana skin of singledom. But she takes it in her stride. With or without Jude Law, Sienna has an evocative and easy blondeness. (Jude and his former wife Sadie Frost have taken a family tip to an

Kate Moss's Thai Schtick

2007-01-02T13:33:00.000Z

KATE Moss and Pete Doherty have said “High do”. With 2007 in its infancy, the Sun draws readers’ attention to an early contender for celebrity wedding of the year. Not for Pete and Kate so much meringue-style wedding dresses and his ‘n’ hers crabsticks. All these two lovebirds need to marry is a Thai priest, a Thai beach and a “bizarre Buddhist ceremony”. The Sun sees flowers draped over Kate and

At Princess Diana's Centre

2006-12-21T17:48:00.000Z

DID you know that the human brain is designed to “plan a move from scratch each and every time”?It seems that we are not lab rats. And it is by thinking anew and not by routine that we kick a football, swing a golf club or write the Daily Mail, the paper in which this story appears.As the paper says: “This means that, unlike a computer, people cannot just automatically repeat what has gone before

Jennifer Lopez Is Growing

2006-12-20T18:27:00.000Z

JENNIER Lopez’s backside sees all. Jennifer Lopez’s backside knows all. Jennifer Lopez’s backside is all. Jennifer Lopez’s backside is the barometer of the times in which we live. Look on, dear reader, as it grows, ebbing and flowing with life’s vicissitudes. “You’ve never had it do good, America,” says Jennifer’s backside as the surplus bulges over the top of her jeans. “Lean times ahead,” says

Tom Cruise Shoots Victoria Beckham

2006-12-18T12:47:00.000Z

VICTORIA Beckham “opens with the pure fresh notes of bergamot and rose petals”. In the face of much evidence to the contrary, Her Poshness can hit top notes, middle notes and low notes of “sensual orange blossom" leading to "a seductive base of voluptuous vanilla, rich sandalwood and an elegant layer of musk”. Can the same be said of Pavarotti or Emma Bunton? If only Victoria sang as she smelled,

Robbie Williams - I Wanna Be Gary Barlow

2006-12-18T12:46:00.000Z

ROBBIE Williams looks wide eyed. He also looks: "Depressed, loveless and without ambition." His is a "tortured soul". So says the Express.Before we go on to peer inside the Williams head, to analyse this and that, we note that this interview with the singer first appeared in the Big Issue, the magazine that enables "homeless people to earn a legal income through opportunities to help themselves"

Vote Girls Aloud

2006-12-14T15:58:00.000Z

POLITICS and pop music are rarely in harmony. If it’s not light bulb-headed Neil Kinnock popping up in Tracey Ullman’a video, it’s LibDem leader Menzies Campbell and Gordon Brown competing to be the Arctic Monkeys uberfan. As the song says Things Can Only Get Better. At least when popstars get into politics they look good. And, as the Mirror reports, Girls Aloud, the reality TV pop .... Read more

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Move On

2006-12-13T15:05:00.000Z

BRAD Pitt and Angelina Jolie are looking at something on the ground on Hello!’s Cover page. The couple, along with their three children, are sat on a patch of green. All eyes are pointed down. What are they looking at? Brad and Angelina are, unlike their children, wearing sunglasses. Is this something so very bright? A huge diamond? A full set of Hollywood teeth? Brad wears a strip of cloth

Sienna Miller - Looking or Love

2006-12-12T20:50:00.000Z

PROFESSIONAL girlfriend Sienna Miller looks thoughtful.Many of you will be unaware that Jude Law’s ex is also an actress. Chances are that just as she can do thinking, she can turn her face to laughing, frowning and wondering.For now, it is thoughtful. And with her face perched on the back of her hand Sienna prepares to tell the Mirror what is on her mind.“I’ve learned not to rush things, to take

Princess Diana Reveals All

2006-12-11T20:42:00.000Z

“OFFICIAL DIANA REPORT SHOCK,” advertises the Mirror’s front page. “BUGGED on night she died.”The result of the Scotland Yard inquiry into the apparent death of Diana has found “NO murder, NO cover up and NO conspiracy”.Or course, many expected this, it serving to further their own beliefs that Diana was murdered by a middle-aged woman who smelled of wet horse and tampon. Or the butler.All is

Pricncess Diana Sparkles

2006-12-06T12:51:00.000Z

"DIANA," announces the Express's front page in familiar fashion."Police tried to make me change my evidence says key witness."And not just a key witness, but a "cricial witness", as the paper goes on to say.But what kind of witness makes a crucial witness? Is this someone who saw Diana perish in that mundane car accident? Has the Express scored a scoop, unearthing the driver of that battered

Pricne Andrew Teas Up Courtney Love

2006-12-05T18:29:00.000Z

“THE Duke of York is blissfully ignorant that his affair will outrage the Queen.”So said a senior coutier in 2002 when stories abounded that Prince Andrew was having a passionate affair with a high-class prostitute and socialite.The truth of the matter was never proven one way or the other. And while many recelled Randy Andy, the royal lothario who’d dated Koo Sterk(ers) and glamour mo-del Vicky

Britney Spears and Kate Moss Pelt It

2006-12-04T10:25:00.001Z

“BRITNEY Spears, Victoria Beckham and Kate Moss all looking pretty shaggy in fur costs,” says the Sun, “but two are faking it.”Looking at the paper’s pictures of the three, it is hard to tell which coat is made from flayed and stitched animal pelt and which is not.Read which celebrity is causing a fur-ore at www.anorak.co.uk

Spice Girl - Red Alert

2006-12-03T21:09:00.000Z

IT’S been a while since Geri Halliwell delivered “baby Bluebell” to an appreciative world.And what looked like bad timing back then - the birth of Geri’s first child coincided with the messianic arrival of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt – now seems like providence.Bluebell is the slow burner, the proverbial tortoise in the race; Shiloh is the impatient-to-be-noticed hare. Or hair. It is our duty to

Kevin Federline Dies For Britney Spears

2006-12-01T20:32:00.000Z

ON the day the British press produce pictures of Britney stepping out with oil heir Brandon Davies, the Enquirer hears Kevin Federline beg: “TAKE ME BACK!” And that’s not take him back to his black rap roots, but take him back to the bosom of Britney’s love. K-Ferret has learned his lesson and wants to give his marriage to multi-millionairess Britney another go. But perhaps because the feelings

Alexander Litvinenko - London Glows In The Dark

2006-12-01T17:07:00.000Z

THE good news is that the radiation found onboard three British Airways jets means frequent flyers no longer need an overhead light to read by. They can just point their luminous finger at the page and go.... Read more on Anorak

Tom Crusie - That's Magic!

2006-11-30T19:47:00.000Z

“INSIDE the magical wedding of TOM and KATIE.” A week on from the joint magical Stag and Hen do, the magical vows and the magical floating Tom, Hello! invites us to marvel at the magical splendour of the entire Cruise-Holmes wedding. “Your exclusive invitation to the wedding of the year,” says the page that begins Hello!’s 34-page album. “Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise. Intimate portraits and memoirs

Heather Mills McCartney's Secret File

2006-11-30T11:20:00.000Z

“ALL I want for Christmas is access to the marital home,” writes Heather Mills in her open letter to Santa Claus.Christmas is coming and Heather, like so many of us, has been compiling a list of demands to send the old man.Only the Express says this is no missive to Santa Claus but a page of requests aimed at an old man closer to Heather’s heart and home.On a night out in London, the paper sees

I'm A Celebrity...Get My T*ts Out Of Here!

2006-11-29T19:14:00.000Z

“COCAINE BRIBES & SEX”The front page of the Star promises much. Where other papers just have news and the odd Page 3 stunna, the Star offers the full multi-sensory experience.Inside the paper, what promised so much is distilled into a picture of I’m A Celebrity... evictee Phina Oruche wearing a blue bikini and jumping into the air.That’s the sex. What of the cocaine? “I think they were handing

Alexander Litvinenko - What's Your Poison

2006-11-28T19:32:00.000Z

WHEN the TV film of the murder of Alexander Litvinenko comes to be made it will surely be major boon for school science classes.What secrets the former KGB officer held, why he was murdered and what his killer could hope to gain from his death are stories far less interesting to the press than what killed him.Last week, we were introduced to thallium. This is a heavy metal and when eaten on a

Madonna Supposes

2006-11-27T17:34:00.000Z

AMONG the advertorials for bunches of silk hankies, of all sizes and patterns, and small boys for sale, the Mirror spots Madonna touting her wares.Christmas is fast approaching. And Madonna is on TV inducing the great, good and unwashed to buy her things as gifts and keepsakes.You cannot spend all your money on handkerchiefs, boiled beef and chimney sweeps, and Madonna is extolling the virtues of

Borat Must Die Say Gipsies

2006-11-27T12:43:00.001Z

LOOK out, Sacha Baron Cohen, the Rogarians are coming! In the “Transylvanian gipsies threat to Sacha”, the Sun shines a candle on the villagers of Glod. Struggling to overcome the shock that some Romanians remain in their native locale and are not right now massed at the border gates awaiting their January 1 release when they will invade our gardens, building sites and cashpoints, we read on. And

I'm A Celebrity...Get Kerry Katona Out Of There

2006-11-26T19:34:00.000Z

IT cannot be too long before Kerry Katona’s children start thinking of the giant Iceland squirrel as their new father. Kerry is currently starring on the nation’s screens on adverts for the frozen food supermarket. Sandwiched around the I’m A Celebrity show she once won, Kerry extols the virtues of ice-cream, wet-look pizza and the “Boozie Brownie”. We have little idea what Boozie Brownie is.

Tom Cruise Secret Wedding Photos

2006-11-26T18:25:00.000Z

See how Tom did it on www.anorak.co.ukClick:http://www.anorak.co.uk/pick_of_week.php

Nancy Dell'Olio & Sven Goran Eriksson's Wedding Dress

2006-11-26T13:42:00.001Z

NANCY Dell’Olio looks into the huge gilt-framed mirror.Mirror, mirror on the all, who is the fairest of them all?Before the mirror answers, it must surely consider the Scandinavian blondeness of Ulrika Jonsson and Swedish PR executive Katarina Huss, two women linked with Sven Goran Eriksson, Nancy’s former lover.The mirror should also reflect on the fairness of Faria Alam, the former FA secretary

Tom Cruise, Britney Spears Is into Paris Hilton, Heather Mills & Charles & Camilla's Theme Park...

2006-11-25T19:33:00.000Z

STANDING before a scene reminiscent of the Creation, the backdrop lit as if by the glowing afterburners of a departing spacecraft, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes stood cheek-to-cheek. In normal circumstances the couple stand cheek-to-neck, what with Tom being two inches shorter than his 5ft 9in tall bride. But Tom was walking on air. Or was Katie kneeling? The Express said many “experts” were “

Noel Gallagher Has A Bullet For Robbie WIlliams

2006-11-24T16:05:00.000Z

NOEL Gallagher had to stop taking drug when his teeth fell out.That’s the Star’s front-page news. And to illustrate just what it means, the paper uses a black felt tip pen and no little graphic know how to knock some teeth from a picture of the Oasis singer’s mouth.Readers may like to take up the challenge, and a pen, and work out what Noel would look like with glasses, a goatee beard or

We Saw The Tom Cruise Marriage

2006-11-23T16:21:00.000Z

LAST week OK! invited us to the wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.It was unspecified whether or not we should rip the invitation out or take the entire magazine to the do.Dress code was, again, unspecified. So we played it safe and dressed in a platform shoes, with an adult dummy pushed between out lips and a pointy hat on our heads. And we, like thousands of other OK! readers, arrived in

Islam's Swan Bake

2006-11-23T13:30:00.000Z

“HUNGER drove fasting Muslim to kill swan and bite into it raw.”So says the headline in the Mail, an enticing prelude to a story which, on the face it, unites the paper’s triumvirate of pet themes – mad Muslims, bird flu and iffy food. Reading on we learn of Shamshu Miah. It is the Muslim fasting month of Ramadan and shortly after midnight on September 26 this year hungry Miah is near the boating

Wanna Share Prince Charles' Bed?

2006-11-23T10:45:00.000Z

THErE is much unsaid about the property advertised on the Sun’s front page.One has no desire to cast aspersions on the estate agency business but it is often what is left unsaid that proves crucial when selecting a suitable residence.This featured home boasts three bedrooms. It is, as a local estate agent tells readers, “very, very nice, but small if you rent it for a week”. The place features an

Heather Mills In Pieces

2006-11-22T13:11:00.000Z

“MARRIAGE?” asks Heather Mills. “I’d rather someone chopped off all my limbs.”Lest readers forget Heather Mills, the Mirror positions the woman on its front page.Our divorce from the estranged Mrs Paul McCartney is not yet finalised and we still have to endure her presence at our breakfast table.And that’s when she’s not popping up on the telly. As the Mirror tells us in “MAD MAC”, Heather has

President Nazarbayez Meets Borat

2006-11-22T10:29:00.000Z

LET’S talk about comedy with Sacha Baron Cohen, a Jewish comedian in the mould of Lenny Bruce, The Marx Brothers and the great Jerry Sadowitz.There are few things more awful than discussing comedy – a night with Hale & Pace being one.And the chance to listen to Cohen talking about the motivation for his Borat character and what makes a good joke is like listening to the nodding heads that pepper

Britney Spears' Video Nasty

2006-11-21T13:13:00.000Z

“BRITNEY puts her kinky sex vid on the web,” promises the Star’s front-page headline.The move comes in light of stories that Kevin Federline, Britney’s estranged husband, could sell the tape to the highest bidder, earning himself as much as £120million, a rise on the £26million the Star priced the 45-minute recording at just last week.At the current rate of inflation, Britney may care to hang

Ricky Martin's Vida Limpia

2006-11-21T10:16:00.000Z

“I HAVE already got all sorts of prizes, but to be recognised for my humanitarian work is something else,” says Risky Martin.Hello! catches up with Ricky Martin in his impressively neat and tidy Miami mansion.Everything about the place is just so. Granted it is rare that Hello! pops over for chat on a day when the maid is off and the toilet blow is pebble dashed with last night’s chicken

Tom Cruise Comes Back To Earth

2006-11-20T10:09:00.000Z

TOM Cruise is walking in the air as he poses for the official wedding photograph.Tom and Katie Holmes, the blushing bride, are, as the Express says, “taking their love to new heights”.Standing before a scene reminiscent of the Creation, the backdrop lit by the glowing afterburners on a space craft, Tom and Katie stand cheek-to-cheek.In normal circumstances, the couple stand cheek-to-neck, what

Angelina Jolie's Gap Year

2006-11-19T16:18:00.000Z

HOW to you dress in a refugee camp?For refugees, the choice is simple – you wear whatever you own, or whatever the charitable organisations have given you: see the elderly man risking ridicule in last year’s Manchester United shirt, the poor lad in marble denim, the girl in a Frankie Says T–shirt and Ugg boots.But for those among us who visit refugee centres, know that such places are fashion

Britney Spears & K-Ferret fight dirty; striking it rich in Blighty; Michael Jackson inner waxwork; Mike Tyson for rent; and Tom Cruise's close encount

2006-11-19T08:33:00.000Z

PSSST! Wanna buy a video. This one’s got the lot – nudity, famous faces, white rap and even a ferret. It’s yours for £26million ono.On Monday, the story was that the divorce of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline was getting dirty – just how dirty may one day be revealed on the video of K-Ferret and his wife engaging in “sex acts”.The Star had heard that K-Ferret had been offered £26million for

Prince William Marries

2006-11-17T16:07:00.000Z

THE one thing that remains unbroken from Princess Diana’s wedding to Prince Charles is our £1.20 mug bearing the smiling images of the newlyweds. What hopes and dreams we had back then. But the complementary silver jubilee and golden jubilee wedding cups would not complete an enviable set. That was then. And today we read with no little excitement that a range of Prince William and Kate Middleton

F*uck Off Paris Hilton

2006-11-17T16:04:00.000Z

AS Michael Jackson (or was it?) flops on stage, and Paris Hilton get offered out by Texas singer Sharleen Spiteri (“F**k off, I’m not scared of you,” says Spiteri to Hilton, her fingers pulled tight into a fist), Lindsay Lohan makes ready to present an award. Staying with the World Music Awards, the Mirror sees Lohan appear on stage. She is booed. She falls down some stairs. She abandons her role

Michael Jackson' s Boo Boys

2006-11-17T16:02:00.000Z

WAS it really Michael Jackson stood on stage at the World Music Awards? The Express watches as a Jackson-like being sings along to a backing track of We Are The World.A group of children are on stage with him, and they issue the accepted rejoiner: “We are the children.” But it’s not going to plan. Jackson’s first performance since his acquittal on child molesting charges last year is a “public

Mike Tyson For Rent

2006-11-16T09:48:00.000Z

“TYSON THE RENT BOY.”The Star wafts its front-page headline beneath its readers’ noses like a vial of smelling salts.The news is that Mike Tyson is for hire. The Baddest Man On the Planet is yours for the right fee.Tyson, whose Iron Mike porn name gives him a running start on most newcomers to his new profession, will be a star trick at ex-Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss’s legal brothel.Fleiss has

Michael Jackson's Top Shop

2006-11-15T10:23:00.000Z

“AGE has not yet caught up with Michael Jackson,” says the Mail. “Cosmetic surgery unfortunately has.”As ever, readers are treated to a shot of Jackson’s face. And it is hard to put an age to the ensemble. The inky-black sunglasses that bravely sit on Jackson’s nose might be the oldest thing on show.There is an entire cottage industry given over to gawping at Jackson’s face. And the Mail sees “

Desert Orchid's Legacy

2006-11-14T16:27:00.000Z

IN between stories of how super casinos will do for us all and gambling addiction is waiting to decimate the country like a plague of winged Rogarians, comes some sad news.Lower your nosebag, throw a tea towel over the revolving kebab and know that a horse is dead. And not just any horse but a light grey horse called Dessert Orchid.“Dessie takes that final fence”, says the Mail’s front page,

Tom Cruise Exterminates

2006-11-14T16:24:00.000Z

WHAT’S that buzz you hear?No, it’s not the noise of Tom Cruise’s spaceship preparing for lift off.Nor is it the sound of Tom calling Armani and demanding to see the sketches of Katie’s wedding dress.It’s the excitement surrounding the actor’s marriage to Katie Holmes.And the Enquirer’s front-page news is: “TOM GOES BESERK...on eve of wedding.”EXTERMINATE!Sources say Tom went nuts while talking on

Nursery State

2006-11-14T12:21:00.000Z

“POSTMAN Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat and his black and white cat/ Early in the evening/ Just as the pub is opening/ He picks up all the post bags in his van...”Who has not looked on with a smile as everyone’s favourite postman delivers his sack of credit card bills, final demands and death threats to the people of Greendale?Not we at Anorak. That is why we are saddened by the Expess’s news that

Lohan's No Charity Case

2006-11-10T10:51:00.000Z

Hollywood starlet Lindsay Lohan has, reportedly, been barred from performing at a charity fundraising event because her image is not in keeping with the tone of the thing.Organisers of Operation Holiday Spirit 2006, a campaign to bring seasonal cheer and gifts to US soldiers, are said to have been concerned that Lohan would deter other celebs from taking part.www.anorak.co.uk

Simon Cowell Is Pop's Fagin

2006-11-10T10:50:00.000Z

IS SIMON Cowell pop music’s Fagin?OK!’s picture of the celebrity maker shows him being pampered by six little boys and girls.Collectively the gang are known as Angelis. They are Simon’s little Angelis, bringing him a platter of fruit, his phones and a pot of tea.OK! says Cowell is not really the “bad boy” of the music industry. For starters, he is well into his forties. The only boy in

Paul Gascoigne Attacks

2006-11-09T10:42:00.002Z

PHEW! Jade Goody has been given the all clear.It is good of the Sun not to keep us in the dark. And one day on from hearing that lovable Jade punched a grandma in the face, the Sun tells us that she is dong fine.“Fighting fit” Jade Goody has been given the all-clear from bowel- cancer.As reported in these pages, Jade was having tummy troubles. And while many feared a rogue kebab had done its

2006-11-09T10:42:00.001Z

REMEMBER when Paul Gascoigne was the cheeky, emotional Geordie who would deliver the World Cup to English hands?If you can’t recall Gazza in his pomp, then looking at the Star’s cover photo of the pasty former footballer in the company of the local constabulary will not help your memory.“BOOZY GAZZA’S RACIST BRAWL,” announces the Star’s front page. “Stars nicked after 4am row with ‘black #@*!’

Britney Falls Out

2006-11-09T10:40:00.000Z

“BRITNEY’S doomed love,” says the Sun.Britney Spears, for it is she, has filed for divorce from the man known to her as Kevin Federline and as K-Ferret to you, the greater rap music community.Over eight pictures, readers see Britney and K-Ferret eating burgers, buried in sand, cuddling and pushing a buggy. There’s Britney sat astride her man. There’s Britney rubbing her man’s shorts and sticking

Michael Jackson's Back

2006-11-08T09:47:00.000Z

GRAB your crotch and squeal like a girl, it’s Michael Jackson.The Sun says that “pop weirdo” Jacko has agreed to appear at something called The World Music Awards.Like you, we have no idea what these awards represent, but we do know that Jackson has agreed to perform at them. And we also know that the show is to be staged in London’s Earl’s Court next week.This means that Jackson will be placing

Madonna's Gaps

2006-11-07T10:08:00.000Z

THERE are only a few things we do not know about Madonna.And if she would be so good as to tell us a) the number of hairs on her head, b) whether she brushes her teeth at the top first or the bottom, and c) the state of her father’s health, we will be able to complete the pop chameleon’s jigsaw.And already the Sun is on the case. And we read that Madonna is to meet her sick dad. He’s being

Jamie Oliver's Take-Away

2006-11-07T09:53:00.000Z

ANYONE know what Jamie Oliver’s children eat at their Hampstead school?And if they do take in packed lunches, how much polenta and halloumi salad you need to buy one stick of KitKat chocolate-coated wafer? And if, indeed, such a playground trade is ever fair on the KitKat owner?Whatever the rate of exchange at Jamie’s nippers’ school, the Mail tells us that thanks to the cook the take up of

Anne Hathaway Explains

2006-11-07T09:51:00.000Z

THERE is more than a hint of Liza Minnelli about Anne Hathaway, the American actress and star of haute predictable fashion movie The Devil Wears Prada.In the movie Hathaway plays a fashion leper from the region of America known among fashionistas as “The Flyover States”.Minnelli was nominated for her first Academy Award at age twenty-three for the role of Pookie Adams in The Sterile Cuckoo (1969)

Wanking For Britain

2006-11-06T10:07:00.000Z

WHAT did you do in the war?“Well, son,” says the grandfather as he dandle’s the nipper on his aged knee. “I tuned into Channel 4 news and Sky news. I saw action on both sides, son.”“I also tuned into the Fantasy Channel and gave and gave again to the cause.”As the Star reports (“YOUR COUNTRY SEEDS YOU”), “brave” British soldiers are being recruited to alleviate a national sperm crisis.The story

Madonna Family Advice - www.bbdo.co.uk

2006-11-04T09:16:00.000Z

Tony Blair Remembers

2006-11-04T09:15:00.000Z

MONDAY and Tony Blair was writing in the Sun. He was issuing an ultimatum: “Pay up or the planet gets it.”The madman would destroy us all! Tony’s weather machine can do its damndest but surely in killing the planet he kills everyone, not just criminals, Tories and fat people.“Today the Government will publish the most important report on the future which I have received since becoming Prime

Kate Moss Invades

2006-11-03T11:59:00.000Z

“TO me, it’s baffling that someone who helps cause so much pain in Colombia is doing better then ever,” says Francisco Santos, Colombia’s vice president.Indeed. Before Kate Moss was filmed in a London recording studio chopping lines of what might have been cocaine, Colombia was an innocent place.Sure, Colombia was the world’s foremost cultivator of coca and coca derivatives, but the farmers and

Best In Shows

2006-11-01T10:05:00.000Z

THE National Television Awards, rightly billed in the Mirror as the “telly Oscars”, occupy the Mirror’s front page.The warning is of a “GLITZ ALERT!” And ready and willing to be bedazzled by the orangey glow we turn the page and note that Noel Edmonds and his Deal or No Deal show have won the award for Most Popular Daytime Programme.In Oscar terms, this is right up there on the glitz-ometer with

Heather Mills Attacked

2006-10-31T09:44:00.000Z

CALL Jonathan Ross.It is the ongoing matter of UK celebrities versus Heather Mills. And the court summons Jonathan Ross to the dock at the Q Awards.Before a room of her peers, Ross announced: “Heather Mills McCartney – what a f***ing liar. I wouldn’t be surprised if we found she’s actually got two legs”... more on Anorak

Prince William Loses It

2006-10-31T09:41:00.000Z

MORE Royal news now as we learn that Prince William has lost his gun.“Wills loses a machine gun,” says the Mail’s front page. And in case you happen along the lost firearm, the Mail produces a shot of William holding a gun believed to very much like the one he has lost. It is an L86 Light Support Weapon. It can fire 775 rounds a minute.Many a brave and gallant soldier has lost a firearm in the

Wings & A Prayer

2006-10-30T09:58:00.000Z

JOHN Lennon has yet to comment. And George Harrison does not wish to take sides. But Linda McCartney is back, and she’s setting out to prove that Heather Mills is a liar.The Sun, no fan of Lady “Mucca”, says Heather Mills’ “far-fetched claims” that Paul McCartney hit his late wife Linda are “rebutted – in the words of Linda herself”.Dim the lights. Form a circle. Hold hands. And listen up as

The Tabloid Week

2006-10-29T08:27:00.000Z

WHEN Richard Hammond attempted to drive from Elvington airfield, near York, to Australia the hard way, the papers looked on with furrowed brows.Would Richard make it? Would Top Gear, the TV show he presents, be cancelled? Would he add his name to the list of celebrities to have died on camera – Tommy Copper, Steve Irwin, Anthea Turner?Well, now the questions get answered. And while the Sun talked

2006-10-27T11:45:00.000+01:00

FORGET Paul McCartney versus Heather Mills. If you want to see a marriage really implode, you have to travel back to the time of Henry VIII, or to modern day America.In what it claims as an exclusive, the Sun takes a look at the divorce of David Hasselhoff and Pamela Bach.The case against The Hoff can be summed up in the Sun’s teaser: “Star ‘beat wife, gave her herpes and peed his pants.”We have

Crewel Luck

2006-10-26T13:08:00.000+01:00

“THE role of the modern Member of Parliament has changed a great deal in recent years,” says Greg Barker, MP for Bexhill and Battle, on his website.He goes on to say that “I am also very active locally” and invites locals to “get in touch”.The sticky fingers of adolescence are never far from UK politics, and, as the Mail reports on its front page, Mr Barker has left his wife of 14 years for a

Rod Stewart Wallops McCartney

2006-10-26T10:08:00.000+01:00

HAVING secured the support of Cilla Black, actor Victor Spinetti and Kate Moss, the Star brings news that other are lining up to stand by Paul McCartney.“WALLOP HER!” says the headline above the news that Rod Stewart has pinned his tartan colours to Paul’s mast.Say twice-divorced Rod: “I am sure that Paul is not a wife beater. He may be a drug-taker but is no wife beater.”Rod goes on: “His name

TC Go Holmes

2006-10-25T14:37:00.000+01:00

“TOM AND KATIE’S SECRET WEDDING,” announces the front page of the Express.Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will marry, in secret, on November 18. They will marry in Italy. Although they may marry in Switzerland, the Express noting that the mention of Italy may be a “decoy”.We could not possibly say. No, we could not. Invitations to the Cruise-Holmes do were dispatched at the weekend, and having sworn

Rock 'n' Sausage Roll

2006-10-24T10:25:00.000+01:00

WHEN Pete Doherty and Kate Moss marry and set up home together, one of their showbiz chums should get them a home therapy centre, accessed by 12 big steps.In this space, Kate and Pete’s showbiz friends could gather to recover from the excesses of the night before. And, as is the way with therapy, they can keep coming back.Therapy is no one-hit wonder, and we read in the Star of middle-aged rocker

Davie Banda - The Oprah

2006-10-24T10:23:00.000+01:00

RIGHTLY proud to have got her figure back after having a new child, Madonna is to go on the Oprah Winfrey show to tell all.Oprah’s sofa has been the stage for much celebrity grandstanding, such as Tom Cruise’s sofa-jump moment, and now Madonna is ready to sit on it and tell the talkshow host about her amazing life with Davie Banda.With three children by three different fathers living on three

Wayne's Parade

2006-10-24T10:21:00.000+01:00

WAYNE Rooney’s 21st birthday party promises to be quite some thing.In readiness for the do, the Sun notes that Wayne’s whale-voiced lover Coleen McLoughlin has been out shopping.“LOOK WHAT I GOT ROO,” says the headline. It’s “Coleen’s megabucks birthday gift spree”. And sure enough there’s a picture of Coleen pulling out all the credit cards to make Wayne’s coming of age a special day.And the Sun

Cravats Rule

2006-10-23T10:35:00.000+01:00

YOU join us at the haberdashery counter at a major London department store where followers of the Kabbalah movement are demanding their money back.Clutching their red string and demanding a full cash refund, they move on to the store’s cravat section.Scientology has arrived in London in a big way and very soon thousands of Britain’s leading celebrities will be sporting cravats in the manner of L

Knickers To Victoria

2006-10-23T10:34:00.000+01:00

THE good news is that David Beckham need not replace his wife’s thong with Anorak’s revolutionary new, and reassuringly airy, Comfi-Pants. As Her Poshness declares on the cover of OK!: “I’M NOT REAY FOR ANOTHER BABY.”That Posh should then tell the world “WHY THE HAIR EXTENSIONS ARE GOING BACK IN” opens up a new area of rich intrigue.Not that we should talk openly about it, and we should certainly

2006-10-21T10:16:00.000+01:00

Oliver's pillow was smoothed by gentle hands that night; and loveliness and virtue watched him as he slept - Oliver Twist by Charles DickensTHE week’s news focused on the Dickensian story of the Jew, the orphan and the flight to London Town.On Monday, Davie Twist’s future was far from certain. Charities and institutions protested at Davie Twist’s removal from Africa. Protests were made.And in

Tom Tum

2006-10-21T10:02:00.000+01:00

TOM Cruise may soon be as wide as he is tall. The Enquirer (“Tom gets FATTER as Katie get FITTER”) says that “TomKat” has mutated into “Tom FAT”.Where he was once a svelte 170lbs, Tom is now 191lbs. Of course, in the greater scheme of things American, Tom is still considered to be borderline anorexic. But to we Europeans, Tom looks a little portly.Just get a good eyeful of those man boobs. You

Freedom

2006-10-20T10:00:00.000+01:00

“GEORGE MICHAEL ON DRUGS,” promises the Mirror’s front page.And in honour of this “EXCLUSIVE”, the paper bills itself as “A BETTER WEED”, a pun on narcotics, such as those being lit and inhaled by the singer.Chances are that the Mirror is printed on smoking paper, which can be rolled up and placed between the lips in the manner of a huge Cromwell Carrot. Igniting the rag will unleash a miasma of

2006-10-20T09:57:00.000+01:00

MORE news of little David Banda now.With the boy in London Town, the Sun publishes a picture of the first time he and Madonna met.Beneath a tree in deepest Malawi, crouched above the parched ground, Madonna cradles Davie Twist in her arms.Liz Rosenberg, Madge’s spokeswoman, explains. “It was... Read more on Anorak

2006-10-20T09:54:00.000+01:00

“BECKHAMS’ minder killed in Iraq blast,” announces the Sun’s front page.And there is a picture of Merrick McDonald, 42, sat in the front of a car with Posh ‘n’ Becks in the rear.And instantly we ask: what are Posh ‘n’ Beck doing in Iraq? We understand their desire to construct a truly world brand but Iraq is not yet ready for 00-sized designer jeans and hair gel.The answer is soon forthcoming. It

Madonna's Twist

2006-10-20T08:15:00.000+01:00

MADONNA is back in London Town with her new child. And all is well in the land of Dickens. Hear ye! Hear ye! And if little Davie Twist is reading Anorak – as surely he must be – we say consider yourself at home, young rapscallion, consider yourself one of the family, we’ve taken to you so strong, it’s clear we’re going to get along...” Read more on Anorak...

The McCartney Witch Hunt

2006-10-20T02:41:00.000+01:00

“MACCA: NOW IT’S GETTING REALLY DIRTY,” announces the Mail’s front page.And we applaud the Mail’s brave decision to publish more shots from Die Freuden der Liebe (The Lover’s Guide), Lady Heather Mills McCartney’s seminal work with body oil and a curly-haired German male.But the lead picture of Heather sat in a chair, an inch or so of cleavage on display, is all we get. It’s a shot taken from