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David Beckham saves us all; a new musical wave; and Europe dies...

EVERY new musical age pushes the boundaries back a little further. And for punk rockers gobbing at their fans, we introduce the popstar vomit. The Mirror raised an umbrella and looked on as Amy Winehouse took to the stage at London’s G.A.Y club. Winehouse was due to sing some of her songs. And having been out with human mushroom Kelly Osbourne for some pre-match liveners, Amy was in top form. This would be the night Amy made her mark on stage. And she did. After stumbling through her opening number, Amy threw up. The Winehouse signature move is a work in progress and rather than give full throat to her audience, Amy chucked up at the side of the continued on Anorak

Ugly Betty Meets Minging Brits

TOMORROW: THE REAL-LIFE UGLY BETTIES.” The Sun has noticed that with Celebrity Big Brother failing in the ratings it is time to focus on another TV show. So here is Ugly Betty, the Cinderella story of a girl who despite being ugly still gets to live the American dream. With luck and pluck she will rise to the top to the fashion world and earn enough money for some liposuction, a facelift and regular sessions with a hair removal practitioner. It can also not fail to escape anyone’s notice that Ugly Betty wears braces on her teeth. These braces are both massive and terrifying. But the braces will make Betty’s smile engaging and straight. You cannot help but think that had Ugly Betty been Minging Liz in a UK version of the show, she would have crooked, stained and missing ...continued

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Keira Knightley's Skull & Bones

KEIRA Knightley is in the sea. More immediately, Ms Knightley is in a bikini of red and white horizontal stripes.

The Star has no fewer than five pictures of Keira in her ensemble as she holidays in California. And the conclusion is that she is “so thin”.

Keira hardly fills her “itsy-bitsy bikini” notes the Star, inviting its readers to study the actress from the front, sides and rear.

An onlooker tells the paper that it would “take a pirate with some exceptional map-reading skills to find her hidden treasure chest”. Yo-ho-ho. Knightly, of course, features in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. These are the jokes.

Keira is “so scrawny her bones are sticking out of her body”, says the Sun. She is “KEIRA UNSIGHTLY”, a walking Jolly Roger flag, a skull stuck atop a pile of bones. Cross her legs and arms and ‘X’ marks the spot where the treasure is hidden.
Over in the Mail, readers are introduced to the man by Keira’s side. He’s Rupert Friend. And he risks a punctured lung or worse as Keira snuggles in, her continued

Morrissey's Armageddon For Europe

HELLO HELSINKI!

It’s Manchester’s favourite musical miserabilist Morrissey. And he’s making ready to sing his entry in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest.

And Morrissey is certainly capable of creating a song for Europe. Was it not he who sang “Now I know how Joan of Arc felt/ As the flames rose to her roman nose/ And her Walkman started to melt”? Joan of Arc was French, her nose Italian. Such tributes to foreign nations and their notables will surely impress judges and score easy points.

Although Morrissey should note that the contest represents a two-tier Europe. The likes of Albania, Belarus and Switzerland are put through the rigours of a semi-final before they get the chance to take on the more established singing states. The danger is that a lyrical tribute to Albanian hero Gjergj Kastrioti Skanderbeg will be wasted and play badly with the Turks.

But if anyone can restore a sense of musical pride to a nation beaten down by Simon Cowell, last year’s UK entrant Daz Simpson and the previous year’s entrants Gemini - “nil points” - it is Morrissey.
The genius behind Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Know, who trilled “Armageddon - come Armageddon! Come, Armageddon! Come!”, will be an antidote to ...continued

Britney Spears Tells All

HAPPY New Year, Britney Spears.

Or “BRITNEY FEARS”, as the Mirror’s front page skilfully manipulates her name to.

But the paper’s headline might be little misleading. There is only one fear and it is whether “booze binges” are wrecking Britney’s career.

And this is Britney’s career as what? It seems that an age has passed since Britney dressed as a schoolgirl and asked her baby to hit her one more time.

Back then Women danced, men shifted uncomfortably in their chairs and pre-teenage girls were given hope that an ordinary looking girl could have a boyfriend who hits her and become a star continue

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Jennifer Aniston's Son Comes Out

WHEN the film Annie: The Tomorrow Years premiers, Madonna, Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will be in the front row seats.

All three know what it is to suffer the agonies of adoption, waiting for some obscenely wealthy individual to pluck the orphans up by her curly ginger roots and whisk her off for a life of showbiz parties and photo opportunities.

And joining the gang will be Jennifer Aniston. As the Enquirer’s front page screams: “JEN TO ADOPT!”
Reading on we hear a source say that Jen is looking to put down roots. She would love to have a son. And what with the stretch marks, the yo-yo weight gain continued

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Angelina Jolie

Sienna Miller For Love

PROFESSIONAL girlfriend Sienna Miller is in conversation with Hello!.

Sienna is in between boyfriends just now, but wants us to know that she is happy being single. Sienna could easily slip on the banana skin of singledom. But she takes it in her stride. With or without Jude Law, Sienna has an evocative and easy blondeness.

(Jude and his former wife Sadie Frost have taken a family tip to an orphanage in South Africa. With big game hunting no longer in vogue, orphanages have become a vital and educational to do on any African odyssey. Ask around and you can even bag a local and take them home.)

“Sienna Miller shakes her mop of thick blonde hair and sighs cheerfully,” writes Hello!. “I wish I continued

Kate Moss's Thai Schtick

KATE Moss and Pete Doherty have said “High do”. With 2007 in its infancy, the Sun draws readers’ attention to an early contender for celebrity wedding of the year. Not for Pete and Kate so much meringue-style wedding dresses and his ‘n’ hers crabsticks. All these two lovebirds need to marry is a Thai priest, a Thai beach and a “bizarre Buddhist ceremony”. The Sun sees flowers draped over Kate and Pete’s shoulders. Their hands are “cupped” in prayer. It is 1.30pm local time at the exclusive continue